Sacramento Parent Magazine

How about all us mama’s celebrating ourselves this mother’s day by doing something unexpected?  Not surprising, I have many, many good ideas, because let’s face it we probably won’t get these things from our husband or kids. 

My list goes like this: mom weekend off, one where mom leaves town literally for the weekend to do whatever she wants…find childcare for two hours on a weekday and have lunch with a friend…just once call a cleaning service and spend the day playing with kids at a park…buy yourself cute and comfortable lingerie…get non-toddler friendly, totally spicy take out and feed the kids mac-n-cheese.

Are you listening dad’s?

I was very proud of myself this weekend. I had purchased a plastic watering can for less than $2 at Target. This ingenious purchase allowed me to garden to my hearts content this weekend while Riley watered the entire yard, the dog, my pants and even, the cat. This morning around 5:45am, I woke up and thought boy, my arms sure are itchy…

6:05am I wonder how come I can’t see out of my right eye?
6:30am Okay itching is really bad, and my eye feels really weird.
6:31am Stumble to the bathroom to check out why face feels larger on right side than left.
6:31am Oh my god.
6:32am Quickly realize I am covered in what must be the world record of puffiness due to poison oak.
6:32am Obviously not going to work, might as well go back to sleep.
6:45am Can hear Toodles in his room and due to his recent move to a big boy bed which has led to the morning ritual of pulverizing his room upon wakening, decide to go investigate.
6:46am Start to giggle as my 2 year old turns his cute little face to me and is covered in a very recognizable rash.

“What’s so funny mommy?” Riley asked me. “Well sweetie it looks like you inherited your mom’s ability to acquire poison oak every year.” I replied. Your father, on the other hand, could have date night with it and not even a red dot, I thought to myself. Two hours later Quasimodo and son arrived at the doctor’s office to get some much needed cream. I walked away with steroids, and poor Riley, due to his age, cream. The good news, my husband told me, is the steroids might help you train faster for the 5k you are doing this weekend. Very funny, with my luck I will probably just get the mustache.

I count cutting foods with scissors for my baby and toddler among my smartest mom-moves.  A partial list of things I cut into tidy squares with kitchen shears:

pancakes…waffles…french toast…pizza…quesadilla…string cheese…spaghetti…french fries…pita bread…asparagus…grilled cheese sandwiches…and…lasagne.

Okay, not lasagne.  But I might try ravioli’s!

It’s your Birthday, but you still:  cook, clean up the floor and highchair, do 3 loads of laundry, carry around a fussy, teething baby until you left arm is sore, gas and wash the car, change countless diapers, say “I don’t know why” to your 3 year old six thousand times and call your husband at work to remind him to phone in the dinner order he is bringing home for your Birthday. 

Also:  In spite of the above you still consider it one of the greatest Birthday’s you ever had.

My co-worker was having lunch with her sister and 3-year-old niece when her niece turned to her and said, “ I got a time out last night.” My co-worker concerned asked her, “Well, did something happen to necessitate a time out?” Her niece nonchalantly replied, “I princess-kissed Jesus.” Fighting back tears from laughter, my co-worker turned to her sister for explanation. Apparently they have Jesus figurines that are as tall as the 3 year old and after watching a Disney movie, decided to practice some moves on poor Jesus. My co-worker, still trying not to laugh, asked her sister, “A time out?” “I know! But what if we were in church and she decided to give Jesus a little loving there??” replied her sister.

She has to be Riley’s soul mate.

As Riley and I excited the bathroom after experiencing a wet and wild bath, we heard a distinct noise. It was almost like a soft whirring sound…holding Riley I quickly turned the corner to see what the mysterious noise could be. As I stood there in shock, Riley stated my exact thoughts, “Wow, Da-Da is vacuuming.”

Wow is right. The bathroom is going to be so jealous.

Potty training parents heads up!  I have just found the most amazing, life saving little portable potty and can honestly say it has changed my life.  Made by Potette, this plastic, folding potty with disposable bags fits neatly in its carrying bag and can be stowed anywhere (I keep mine in my trunk).  I have used it three times and it works. 

You know the drill:  “potty mommy, hurry” and you are somewhere around Wheatland. On Easter.  On a Sunday, Evening and everything is closed.  I just pulled over (my husband looked dubious) pulled the front seat forward and put it on the back seat floor.  Viola!  Daddy had to admit it was the best $10.00 we ever spent.  Bags are pricey at 10 for $5.00.  But still.  So worth it.  You just tie and toss the bags and keep on trucking.

Used it again this weekend on Highway 17 on the way to Santa Cruz.  I felt like a resourceful, calm (if not smug) mama.  My toddler loves it and calls it her:  Car Potty! 

The best part is not having to take my toddler, and my baby out of their car seats, try to find a bathroom, a clean bathroom at that and wrangle everybody by myself.  This little thing has set me free!

Dear Homeowner, (the male one approximately 35)
I have the peculiar sense that you did not take my original request to clean me seriously. Please allow me to take a moment to plead my case:

- Is there any other room in the house you visit as often as mine? I must say I do not see any other family member as often as I do you.

- Secondly, I do not tell your wife when you use the last of the toilet paper roll without replacing it. I snicker on your behalf when she sits down and realizes she hasn’t anything to use. I particularly relish on your behalf the mad scrambling and quite acrobatic moves she uses to find something.

- I also wait with delight for the moment when she comes into the bathroom and sees the new roll of toilet paper standing mere inches from the holder. I say nothing while she refers to you by names other than your birthright.

- In addition, I provide a nice area for you to shave your face that results in many, many whiskers being left on my nice porcelain sink. I do not utter a word while they continue to sit and sit and sit in the sink beside the toothpaste you left out.

- Lastly, I remain silent while you toss wet towels on my floor, leave the shower door open, and depart without picking your clothes up off the wet floor. (Not to mention I never let the secret slip on who’s products you are really using.)

Please re-consider my request. I realize it has been a very long time since you have used the cleaning supplies but I have full faith in you.

Sincerely,

The Bathroom

“Riley do you want any crackers?” I asked my 2 year old while traveling in the car. “No,” he replied. “Are you sure? You haven’t eaten very much. They look pretty good,” I asked again. “NO, I don’t want annyy,” he whined. Okay, Okay sorry I asked, I thought to myself.

As we were waiting for the light to change to green, I saw a young man holding a sign that simply stated, Hungry. Just need a little help. Not having any cash, I started rummaging through Riley’s diaper bag for something to hand over. I quickly found the refused crackers and handed them over.

Thirty seconds later, a voice pipes up from the back, “Mommy, where are my crackers?”

2:30am Alarm goes off like a cruel joke.
3:30am Wake up Toodles at the last, the last, possible second.
3:31am Toodles looks scarily grumpy. Huh. Maybe he will sleep on the plane. Haha, gosh that is funny.
4:30am Anxiety starts to set in as we pull into the airport. How safe is flying really? Did the pilot get a good night sleep? Is he new?
5:15am Going through security.
5:16am Go back through after taking grumpy toddler’s shoes off.
5:45am Boarding airplane. Offer husband unlimited physical gifts to drive there.
5:46am Husband is not speaking to anyone after learning he is not sitting with the family.
6:12am Husband in row behind family.
6:15am Taking off. Toodles has decided he doesn’t want to be in his seat or the plane.
6:16am Where is the drink cart???
6:17am Okay how serious is it to not turn on portable devices? We can put a man on the moon but can’t turn on a cell phone during a plane taking off? All the carefully picked out projects supposed to last well over 3 hours have been tossed aside.
6:30am Yeah we can turn on the DVD player!
6:31am Realize husband put the DVD player in the overhead compartment and since the seatbelt sign is still lit up, is refusing to get it.
6:32am Promise him a long and painful death while dodging Blues Clues books, if he doesn’t get up and get the DVD player.
6:45am Whoohoo! Drink cart!

6:15am-9:20am Kicking off the seat in front of him.

7:15am Passenger in front of 2 year old not going to make it to 3 complains to flight attendant. (Can you blame her?)

7:45am DVD player headphones flies down the aisle.
8:25am Need drink cart again

9:20am Made it! Frazzled and drunk but made it.

11:20am (Pacific time 1:20pm Central time) Visited with family, went out to lunch and then realize there is a red gummy bear stuck to the rear of my pants.

This timeline is repeated flying home 5 days later.